Welcome to the Waterfront Wonderland Blog
This is meant to be a funny take of the terms real estate agents use when describing a property listing.
And Much, Much More! – There is plenty of words left in the ad space, but truthfully nothing else comes to mind or is worth mentioning.
Bachelor Pad – Smells really bad and only a farm animal could live inside this home.
Bank Financing Available – Please bend over and give the bank an endless supply of paperwork.
Beachfront Property – No flood or hurricane insurance available, at any price.
Bedroom in Basement – The basement is dark, cramped and has a small window that you might be able to squeeze through in lieu of burning to death in a fire.
Breathtaking – You will need oxygen after you check the price!
Broker – What buying a house is going to make you feel like.
Cathedral Ceiling – Just imagine heating and cooling the space. Echo! Echo!
Charming – If having flowery wallpaper on the walls, small rooms and closets is to your taste, you will be impressed. See also “Cozy” and “Cute”.
Close to Everything – There is a convenient fast food drive through on the other side of the fence in your backyard.
Close to Beach – As compared to what? Orlando or Tampa?
Close to Transportation – No place to keep a car, as there is no garage, however, the bus stops out front.
Close to Schools – The school buses go up and down your street twice a day.
Comfortable – Small rooms, small garage, small yard, get the picture?.
Completely Remodeled – You will need to check the definition of “Complete” in the dictionary. Just painting and re-carpeting the home is not a complete remodel.
Completely Renovated – All the bats, cats and rats have been found and removed; toilets now flush and water does not leak.
Completely Updated – Not only does this statement make most attorneys choke, it also usually means new kitchen cabinets and counter tops as well as remodeled bathrooms.
Contemporary – The house is at least 15 years old and shows it’s age well.
Convenient Location – The road noise will deafen you. Bring ear plugs to showing.
Country Like Setting – Located so far out of town that you will see more deer than people. Enjoy maintaining the acreage and keeping the deer fed.
Country Kitchen – Images of roosters and chickens with ribbons around their necks will haunt your dreams after seeing this home.
Country Living – The home is located far from anywhere you might want to go, like driving to work, shopping or the emergency room after you are bitten by a raccoon.
Cozy – To be cozy, every room must be small. See also “Charming” and “Cute”.
Curb Appeal – Only the front of the house has been painted and landscaped.
Cute – Two very tiny rooms, duck, kitten and puppy wall paper make it so cuddly. See also “Charming” and “Cozy”.
Daring Design – It is a converted warehouse with exposed beams, wiring and HVAC systems.
Designer Colors – The blood red wall next to a dark green wall along with the sea foam carpet create this effect.
Desirable Neighborhood – This “Breathtaking” house is over priced thanks to it being located next to a neighborhood where the snobs live.
Development Potential – Fixing this home is going to be your problem, the Seller has given up already.
Distressed Property – The seller used to be a fat cat stock trader, now occupying wall street in a different way and had to let this house go.
Doll-house – Picture this… Small rooms filled with tiny nick-knacks and rag dolls.
Easy Care Yard – The grass is long dead now, so a jug of Round-up is all you will need to maintain it.
Easy Freeway Access – The home is located right on the noisiest street closest to the highway.
Eat-in Kitchen – The previous owner removed the door from the kitchen to the dining room and wallah!
Efficiently Designed Kitchen – The kitchen is so small that it fits at most two people at the same time and everything you need is an arms length away. The down side is that in order to open the stove door you need to leave the room.
Energy Efficient – The home has no electric appliances and the electrical system can handle just one 20 watt bulb.
Executive Neighborhood – Everyone’s last name is Smith or Jones and you are expected to keep up with them socially.
Extra Storage – See the four hooks screwed into the top of the cabinets and the coat hooks on the back of all the doors.
Fast Commute – The home is located just off a highway on-ramp.
Fixer-Upper – Picture… a leaking roof, mold under the cabinets and hundreds of frogs and tadpoles in the pool. You need to buy it quick, before it falls down around you.
Florida Living – The land has been reclaimed from the wetland swamp, however, just over the fence is still alligator habitat.
Flowing Floor Plan – The foundation has settled with cracks in the ceiling and walls. In some parts of Florida, the home may be washing down into a sinkhole.
Gated Community – There is a reason it is gated… Have you ever seen the gated community in the movie District 9?
Gourmet Kitchen – The home has gas appliances and running water, smells of wine and garlic.
Grandma’s House – There have been no electrical improvements since 1940 and grandma’s ghost still visits on dark stormy nights.
Great Starter Home – There is at least one bedroom and one toilet. Not any room for much else.
Handyman Special – Forget this one! You do not have the skills required to make this home livable again. Even a handyman would run the other way. See TLC.
Immaculate – Please remove your shoes before entering. Chances are the carpet is white along with the walls, furniture, cabinets, appliances, and the pet cat.
Just Available – The previous owner just passed away. Hope you don’t believe in ghosts.
Key West Style – Styled after homes found in the slums of Tortuga.
Light and Bright – No window treatments included, let the sun shine in!
Lots of Built-ins – The previous owner nailed the furniture to the walls.
Lots of Storage Space – Check the garage, who need to keep a car in there?
Low Maintenance Lot – Probably there is no yard at all. The kids will have to play in the street or, maybe in the shopping mall parking lot.
Low Maintenance Home – The home is so small you can clean it with a toothbrush.
Luxury living – The home has it own jacuzzi tub. It’s leaning against the wall in the garage, but, at least it has one.
Make an Offer – If this sounds desperate, it’s because the Sellers are.
Mediterranean Style – The home is styled after slum dwellings found in South Italy.
Meticulously Maintained – The pink/avocado colored appliances are in tip-top condition.
Mint Condition – There are blue mouthwash stains on the carpet.
Modern – The home does not have a dirt floor and it is insulated with something other than raccoon skins and sugar sacks.
Motivated Seller – If you make the right offer, the Seller will throw in the pets, kids and grandma too. To see how motivated, subtract 30% from the asking price and see if they counter.
Move-in Condition – This refers to your condition, not the house’s. Unless you are in top condition, you won’t make it up the 125 steps to the front door.
Much Potential – Hidden meaning to steer clear unless you have a lot of money and actually believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See “TLC” and “Fixer Upper.”
Must See – Sometimes paired with the words “to Believe”, an absolutely accurate statement. It is hard to drive that kind of pain home through the eye without actually using a sharp instrument and a forceful thrust.
Natural Decor – Imagine… Palm fronds and beach mats stapled to interior walls with fishing nets full of shells hanging from the ceiling.
Natural Setting – You will spend your weekends doing yard work and forget about planting anything because the deer will eat everything in your yard.
Near Mass Transportation – The Amtrak train goes through the backyard roughly twice a day and night.
Neighborhood Watch – Known as a curtain twitcher, your next door neighbor has binoculars trained on your house. Your movements are tracked and reported to the police any time you have company.
Nice Condition – You should note that the word “nice” means different things to different people. You will see this in person after you visit several home that use this term describing the home.
Nighttime Security – The new ultra bright LED street lights located on all corners of the home completely eliminate darkness 24 hours a day making sleep impossible.
No Need to Preview – The listing pictures should give you the story here. After examination, you might skip this one.
One Car Garage – These garages are so small that you can drive your Toyota Prius into the garage, but then there is no room to open the doors.
One-of-a-Kind – Thank goodness there is only one home like this that you will have to see.
Open – Usually paired with the words “Concept” or “Floor Plan” may mean the previous owner removed interior supporting walls.
Outstanding – This home may stick out like a sore thumb compared to others. This could be a positive or negative meaning.
Park-Like Setting – There may be homeless people in the area, so check carefully before backing out of the driveway.
Partial Water View – If you stand on the corner of the bed and lean out, you can see the water. The agent did to get the image he posted in the ad.
Perfect for Entertaining – The home has banana trees and a pit in the back where you can host your own pig roasts.
Perimeter Lot – on the edge of the cliff, but it didn’t used to be. Bring rope and wear a harness when checking out the back yard!
Pet Friendly – Mounds of smelly organic matter constantly deposited in the front lawn, despite the fact that you have no pets.
Picturesque Country Setting – Acres of abandoned rusty cars and waist-high weeds.
Plenty of Parking – The abandoned stadium across the street has acres of parking spaces available.
Prestigious – Another word for expensive. Probably not, however.
Prime Location – The Seller may already had better offers from more qualified people than you… Don’t ask for a discount.
Proof of Funds – Written proof you need to provide with your offer that proves that you can’t afford the things you want.
Quaint – You will need to rent a wall paper steamer so you can get that stuff off the wall without having to gut the entire place. See Vintage.
Ready to Move-in – The interior has been painted with one coat of cheap paint and the shag carpeting has been cleaned.
Ready to Remodel – This home is about to collapse and you will have to invest lots of money in the remodel before you can even move in. Rent the movie “The Money Pit” to see a remodel gone wrong.
Reduced to Sell – After being on the market for over a year, now it is time to sell?
REO – Stands for Really Evil Organization (also known as a bank) that has foreclosed on the previous owner and now wants you to buy the home from them.
Schools Nearby – You will spend a portion of your morning and evening commute to work stuck behind school buses with no way to avoid them.
Secluded Setting – If you stop and listen carefully, you may hear banjos and squealing pigs.
Security System – The house comes with a deadbolt lock on all the doors and windows, a bar across the front door capable of stopping a battering ram and the neighbor has a loud dog with an open window. Being outside in this neighborhood after dark will probably require an armed escort.
Show and Sell – This means the real estate agent will be doing no marketing on this property and the stubborn Seller does not want it staged and will not clean the home.
Shows Well – The Sellers actually clean the place up before you see it. This is not the norm, so enjoy this home showing.
Seller Financing – The Sellers know the home is over priced and taking that into consideration, they are more than willing to provide you with financing that you can not qualify for on your own.
Sophisticated Decor – White walls with zebra print rug and furnishings, velvet murals of nudes and Elvis adorn the walls. A large piece of abstract art is in the dining room and a canvas the size of a car hangs on the wall covered in what appears to be pantyhose, tin foil, and computer diskettes, modern art?
Spacious – Only if… You knocked out a wall and expanded the living room into the garage.
Sprawling Ranch – The home has an inefficient floor plan that appears to have been designed by a drunk.
Storybook – This house is old and has some stories to tell… Some good, some not so good!
Stunning House – The exterior of the home is not ugly… However, the interior, on the other hand…
Stunning View – The sight of the neighbors in the pool next door will require some recovery time, so brace yourself.
Sunken Tub – The tub isn’t sunken… The house has settled and the tub has fallen through the floor. The remaining structure is capable of holding water or a body, not both.
Sunny Corner Lot – The home is located at the intersection of two treeless streets.
Sweat Equity – The house is not inhabitable and may sweat you to death.
Tenant Wants to Remain – The eviction of this family of 12 is going to be your problem.
TLC – Stands for “Tender Loving Care”, usually paired with the word “Needs”. The home needs to be torn down, leveled and condemned! See Handy Man Special.
Townhouse Style – A 2 or 3 story walk-up single family home that is sandwiched between two other homes that look exactly the same. Not only can you hear your neighbors fight, but you hear them when they play music, watch TV, use the bathroom, use the stairs or blink.
Tudor Style- There are two bedrooms in the attic which is not insulated; very hot in summer and very cold in winter and a family of raccoons in the fall.
Turn-Key – Home comes full of stuff that you will need to sell at a garage sale.
Updated Bath – The tub no longer overflows.
Updated Kitchen – The kitchen sink no longer overflows.
Usable Land – All the trees and bushes are gone.
Victorian Beauty – Once you steam off the vintage wallpaper, you will need to strip off the multiple layers of lead-based paint.
Vintage – Think old… Also, imagine, that most things in the home are probably broken down. See Quaint.
Walking Distance to (Insert Place Name Here) – Distances are relative to people, Forest Gump walked across the USA… Twice.
Waterfront – There is a 20-40 foot wide ditch that runs across the back of the property and it only fills up after a good rain.
Well Below Market – The Sellers have to keep reducing the price on this fixer upper as nobody seems to wants it.
Wildlife Nearby – In Florida, this means alligators, raccoons, opossums and stray cats.
Won’t Last Long! – This home hasn’t sold in last 400 days, after 9 price reductions and the Sellers have finally given up hope on making any money on the sale so they dropped the price another $10K. Come and get it!
Wow! – Check for raccoons and rats!
You’ll Love It – No, you probably will not.
To help you understand Florida law with respect to home surveillance devices you should know the following: Florida law requires the consent of all parties to record telephone calls or in-person conversations, including videotaped conversations that capture sound.
Many homes have security cameras that also record any conversations you may have while in the home and all parties must consent to that recording. If there is only video recording in a home, it is permissible as long as written notice is clearly given on the premises or the recording device is immediately obvious. You may be recorded inside or outside a Seller’s property and you should receive a disclosure of such recording.
Just because you do not see a camera does not mean they are not there. So consider what you say and comment on carefully. You do not want to offend the Seller or tip your hand on your interest in the home before negotiations to purchase begin. The Seller should disclose the presence of video or audio recording devices, however, you can not count on this and need to behave as though you are under surveillance when inside someone’s home.
It is important that you get the correct carpet measurements for your project before going to the flooring store. Most flooring retailers will have overstock that they call “remnants”, these left over pieces can be purchased at greatly discounted prices and work great if you have individual room that need carpeting.
One option is to have a local flooring retailer professional come to your home and evaluate the amount of carpet you will need. This is the least desirable option as the retailer may not give you the measurements they used to arrive at the carpet square yards needed and may have financial incentives to over sell you.
A better option is to contact a local carpet installer to come to your house for the carpet measurements. This assures you that the carpet installer that performs the measuring will know how to optimize for installation.
You can do the carpet measuring yourself. You may need to draw a detailed diagram or use a floor plan for your home. This will help the flooring wholesaler to determine the square yards of carpet required for your installation. Do not be intimidated by measuring yourself. You will need a tape measure or electronic measuring device, notebook, calculator, and a pen/pencil. See the links below if you need to purchase these items.
You will need to draw a diagram of the area(s) to be carpeted in order to determine the amount of carpet needed. This diagram is used for estimation purposes plus carpet layout, to account for doorways, carpet seam placement, traffic patterns, hallways and closets. If you feel unsure about your diagram and layouts, ask the flooring retailer or installer to come to your home for a site inspection, and to confirm your calculations.
Keep in mind, carpet is manufactured in variety of widths, the most common is 12 foot wide rolls. This is important to note because just measuring the dimensions of a room may not provide an accurate representation for the amount of carpet needed. For example, an 11 foot by 10 foot room provides an area of 110 square feet, extra length should be added if you will be carpeting the door threshold and/or closet spaces. For carpet manufactured in 12 foot widths, 110 square feet equals 12 foot width by 10 foot length of carpet (add more as required for door openings). Purchasing only 110 square feet of carpet may result in having a piece that will not fit your room or a good deal of seaming. In this case, 120 square feet of carpet would be required to properly install an 110 square foot room. Keep in mind that the direction of the carpet pile or pattern must remain the same throughout the installation.
These rules should be considered in your calculations:
Seams should not fall in a doorway.
Measurements for rooms should start in the center of the door threshold, not the base of the wall.
Patterned carpet, such as Berber will require an additional 10% of carpet for pattern matching.
In closing, you can measure yourself or call in a professional. New carpet will make your home look and smell new again.
Most pools use liquid chlorine to sanitize the pool water. Some people prefer using salt to sanitize the pool water. Salt water chlorination is a process that uses dissolved salt. There are two parts that make up a salt water system. The chlorine generator uses electrolysis to convert the saltwater to chlorinated water. As such, a saltwater pool is not actually chlorine-free; it simply utilizes added salt and a chlorine generator instead of direct addition of liquid chlorine. The control module reports current salt level and calculates how much salt needs to be added to the pool to maintain proper chlorination.
We bought our salt water system in May of 2013 at The Recreational Warehouse store in Fort Myers. We had a local pool service company install it. We like the saltwater system much better than the old liquid chlorine method. We find the water better for swimming in and the chlorine levels have been easier to maintain than our previous method.
As a REALTOR® out looking at homes, I see a lot of saltwater control modules severely damaged by the sun. The control module is one the most expensive parts of the saltwater system. To protect this part from the sun, I suggest you place a sunscreen over the module. The sunscreen can be as simple as using an old piece of a thick sheet or pillowcase to cover the plastic control module. What I did to make a sunscreen was to first cut a hole on each side of a pillowcase near the top. Next, I attached the sunscreen over the top of the module (between the mounting bracket and the wall) using the mounting screws.
See the images above for our saltwater system, the module looks near new after many years and it gets direct sunlight all afternoon. Below is a Hayward Saltwater Pool System you can purchase. This system looks to be easier to install and maintain. The salt bags are heavy (40 pounds), so get a Gorilla Cart to haul them around to your pool area.
Saltwater Pool System
PVC Pipe Cutter
This video shows how to use a garden hose to check for an air leak on a pool pump. Use a slow running water hose to place water over the pipe connections until you see the air bubbles disappear. This helps pinpoint where you need to make your repairs.
Below are the tools you can purchase to fix your pool leaks.
PVC Pipe Cutter
Water should have no taste or odor. Our city water had both, a chlorine odor and taste. To resolve the issue with the odor and taste we installed a carbon water filtration system.
We installed a primary carbon filter (Large black cylinder) and a 2nd stage filter (smaller blue cylinder) to catch any fine material before it enters the house plumbing. The primary filter has 1.5 cubic feet of granular activated carbon and the 2nd stage filter uses a 4.5″ by 20″ pleated, 5 micron cleanable cartridges. Ball valves were used to bypass the filters when needed. Couplers were used to make it easier to disassemble the pipes to work on the filters. I have painted the pipes and also installed a PVC screen to shade the filter from the Florida sun.
Be sure to check with your local water utility to see if they require a backflow prevention valve. I would also recommend you ask the water utility to come out to turn off the water at the meter so that you can see what type of tool is required. I would then purchase the appropriate tool so that you can shut off your water in an emergency.
The cost for parts is around $450.00 and we paid $150.00 to have a plumber install the filter professionally. I saved money on the installation as I had all the parts needed to complete the job. Below are some of the tools and parts I used and detailed images of the installed filter.
Water Shut Off Tool
Water Shut Off Tool
PVC Pipe Cutter
I had severe pain from Plantar Fasciitis and heel spurs. I suffered for well over a year with severe heal pain and was about to have an operation done to cure the issue. I started using these insoles and my heal pain went away after about a month of use.
- Supports foot arch and applies therapeutic acupressure to your heel, reducing pain caused by heel spurs and plantar fasciitis.
- Re-cushions the natural fat pad of your heels creating a new layer of support.
- Gives multidirectional support with 360 degree motion control. Improves your posture so that you look and feel better standing, walking and running.
- We are a US company and we love to help our customers.
- Heel That Pain products are 100% guaranteed and come with a 120 day “No Questions Asked” Manufacturer Return and Refund Policy.
Looking at house all day means you need to have comfortable shoes. These shoes offer a wide range of sizes, super comfortable and are very affordable.
- Leather and Synthetic.
- Rubber sole.
- Athletic shoe with side logo applique and ghillie lace-up.
- Supportive sole unit.
- Padded tongue and collar.
The Florida sun is hot! You need a hat that protects your heard, ears and neck, this is the hat for you.
- FULL COVERAGE DESIGN: 4″ wide brim, 24″ head circumference, one size fits most adults. Adjustable chin cord keep hat firmly in place in windy. Sturdy front brim and long back flap will provide great coverage for face, neck and ears, complete uv protection, 50+ UPF.
- IDEAL FOR camping, hiking, gardening, traveling, fishing, boating, hunting, safari, beach, pool, doing yard work and field research or any other outdoor activity for all seasons use.
- GREAT VENTILATION: Two mesh side panel design and moisture-dispersing sweatband greatly improves cooling and airflow, make your head and neck cool and comfortable all the time.
- EASY STORAGE: Foldable brim make it easy to carry, hiding it in your luggage, or backpack when you’re on the go or simply roll it up and put it in your pocket.
- ULTIMATE SUN PROTECTION MATERIAL: Made of protective micro-fiber features in 100 SPF/ UPF 50 to prevent sunburned. Windproof, breathable, quick-drying, ultra-light.
Are you looking for a readable manual tape measure? Buy this tape measure,
it has a wide blade and is very easy to read.
- Full 1-1/4-Inch wide blade for increased standout.
- Large easy to read fractional and decimal sizes for quick and accurate measurements.
- Non-slip impact-resistant case withstands drops and other rough conditions.
- Non-slip rubber will not mar delicate surfaces.
Welcome to the
Waterfront Wonderland Blog
This is meant to be a funny take of the terms real estate agents use when describing a property listing. And Much, Much More! - There is plenty of words left in the ad space, but truthfully nothing else comes to mind or is worth mentioning. Bachelor Pad -...read more
To help you understand Florida law with respect to home surveillance devices you should know the following: Florida law requires the consent of all parties to record telephone calls or in-person conversations, including videotaped conversations that capture...read more
It is important that you get the correct carpet measurements for your project before going to the flooring store. Most flooring retailers will have overstock that they call “remnants”, these left over pieces can be purchased at greatly discounted prices...read more
Most pools use liquid chlorine to sanitize the pool water. Some people prefer using salt to sanitize the pool water. Salt water chlorination is a process that uses dissolved salt. There are two parts that make up a salt water system. The chlorine generator uses...read more
This video shows how to use a garden hose to check for an air leak on a pool pump. Use a slow running water hose to place water over the pipe connections until you see the air bubbles disappear. This helps pinpoint where you need to make your repairs. Below are the...read more
Water should have no taste or odor. Our city water had both, a chlorine odor and taste. To resolve the issue with the odor and taste we installed a carbon water filtration system. We installed a primary carbon filter (Large black cylinder) and a 2nd stage...read more